10 Reasons Kids Bite That Are More Likely Than Aggression
And some strategies for meeting the underlying needs
It’s finally happened: my toddler has started to bite.
He has bitten kids at daycare on two occasions.
He has bitten my older kid on three occasions.
He has bitten me, like, seventeen times.
I have zero concerns about his biting.
But I do worry about how others will react to it, because whenever a kid does something emotionally charged, we tend to respond from an emotional—rather than analytical—place.
Our reactions have an incredible amount of power to shape kids’ self-perception and color their experiences.
Unexamined emotion does not provide the steady hand you want on the levers of such power.
I spend a lot of time teaching early childhood educators who are seeing this super common, totally developmentally typical behavior in young kids, but who may not recognize what is actually going on. Upon seeing fresh bite marks on a child’s arm, the initial gut reaction can be to apply labels like “aggressive,” “violent,” or “mean.”
And this is a problem, because if you are 20 months old and you bite a kid for a reason that, from your perspective, is valid, and in a scenario where you do not have an alternative strategy, and then you are told that you are mean, you may begin to internalize the idea that you are innately mean; that, without your awareness or intent, your actions default to mean.
That type of belief can influence behavior (If I’m mean, I guess I am going to end up doing things that are mean whether I want to or not; why try to avoid it?). It can also harm kids’ self-esteem.
And on the opposite end of the reaction spectrum, I see super affirming teachers who, like me, are not worried about what they recognize as a common and usually unconcerning behavior, and from this space of acceptance, they may simply interrupt the biting and move on without responding to the underlying issue.
There is a middle ground, and you get there by thinking about the need the child’s biting seeks to meet.
If you know why a child is biting, or if you can form a reasonable hypothesis, you can support the child in meeting that need in a safer, gentler, and ideally more effective way.
So, here are a few reasons kids might bite—all of which are more likely culprits than aggressive, violent, or mean intent—along with some possible support strategies.
1. The child is frustrated about a conflict with a peer, possibly over access to a favorite toy or activity.
Likelihood: High
Friends, I get in trouble when I say this, but if you’re a toddler and you are in a dispute, biting is an example of good social problem solving.
That doesn’t mean it’s a thing we want kids to do!
But it is quick, it is accessible even under stress, and it is usually effective. It’s a smart, functional choice.
Even if a toddler were able to say the words “Can I please have a turn with that firetruck?” in general, that kid’s toddler peer would be unlikely to respond with, “Oh yes, let me just have it for ten more minutes and then I’ll pass it right along.”
Suggested strategies:
Teach an alternative that is as accessible as biting, even under stress when finding words can be tricky. This could be a hand to the chest to signal “my turn,” which is relatively easy from a motor skills standpoint, and is not significantly harder to access (with practice and support) than biting, even under stress.
Be ready to support the interaction so that signing “my turn” receives a response from the peer, even if you’re facilitating that response. Note that the response doesn’t have to be instant access to the thing the child wants; the response can be “when Susie is all done, it’ll be your turn,” or whatever is reasonable to the situation.
Make the “when” concrete. Visual timers are super helpful for this. Letting a child know exactly when they will get the turn they so desperately wanted can ease confusion and frustration. A child who hears “you can have it soon” is a child who may still doubt whether they will ever get a turn, because soon is not meaningful or reassuring information (in our house, on September 1, Christmas is soon.)
Offer something to have or do during the waiting period—something kinda cool, if possible (jumping jacks together? A random kitchen utensil the child doesn’t ordinarily have access to?). That way, the child’s use of the alternative strategy is acknowledged and rewarded quickly, even if it’s not rewarded with exactly the thing originally sought.
2. The child hails from Forks, WA, where he has been raised as a “vegetarian” vampire who feeds exclusively on deer blood, but in the presence of actual human plasma, he has failed to control the urge to feed.
Likelihood: Low, but still higher than the likelihood that a child who engages in biting is a violent, aggressive, or mean person.
It is hard to be a young vampire, always taking your shirt off and sparkling while sitting in a pine tree for some reason, competing with werewolves for the affections of Kristen Stewart.
Suggested strategies:
I don’t know. He’s so pale and tired—maybe just let the poor guy drink your blood.
3. The child needs space.
Likelihood: High
This is one of the more common causes of biting that I see among little kids. Even familiar, adored peers can be immediately overwhelming if your small body is blocked or imposed upon by their bodies, and this can cause feelings of panic and overwhelm, leading to biting as a means of escape.
Suggested strategies:
When kids are in group settings, be mindful and aware of their physical spacing. If there’s a place they all love to congregate, like at a window when a wild rabbit hops by, set and enforce a boundary around the number of kids who can stand at that window at once, and support kids in rotating to and away from the window so it’s clear that everyone will get a chance.
Don’t handle kids’ bodies or get in kids’ space more than you need to.
You do not need to use hand-over-hand to force a kid to do the finger movements to Itsy Bitsy Spider. It just isn’t that important that the child learn to make their hand into a spider, and it is super stressful to be that kid. This is so baked into the culture of so many care settings, and seeing teachers do this can encourage parents to do it at home. I repeat: it’s just not important enough to warrant handling a kid’s body without their consent, and it is stressful enough to prompt behavior like biting when the child, reasonably, wants to get free.
If possible, don’t choose moments of dysregulation to engage in interactions that are likely to increase stress, and when you do need to give a direction you anticipate might be challenging for the child, give their body space and give their brain space (by using clear, plain language without repeating phrases excessively).
Have a designated area in your home (if you’re a parent) or in your classroom (if you’re a teacher) where the child can safely get away from others, and where their choice to get away from others is respected whenever, and for as long as, external circumstances allow.
Little tents are perfect for this!
Communicate to the child, and offer reminders, that this is an area where the child can go to get some extra space.
Offer gentle invitations to take advantage of this area when you notice cues that the child might benefit from a break, but don’t force it—this tool is most powerful when the child chooses to use it on their own.
4. The child is looking up at you from 6 - 12 feet beneath the surface of the Cape Cod bay, and at that distance and in murky conditions, you and your surf board look exactly like a harbor seal.
Likelihood: Low, but still higher than the likelihood that a child who engages in biting is a violent, aggressive, or mean person.
It’s not my intention to hurt your feelings. We all look like seals in this situation.
Suggested strategies:
Wear bright colors.
Stay out of the ocean.
Try couch surfing instead.
5. The child is hungry and misinterpreting the physiological cues that he should eat.
Likelihood: Medium
Interoception (perceiving and interpreting the physiological cues that are sent by the visceral organs to the brain to communicate needs like hunger, tiredness, etc) can function differently for neurodivergent kids, and can be a confusing/emerging area of perception for little kids regardless of neurotype. Sometimes, when a child is hungry, the sensation isn’t located in the stomach but experienced as a desire to put things into their mouth, bite, or chew.
Suggested strategies:
Be mindful of the time and the child’s normal eating routines. If it’s 12:05 and lunch is usually at 11:30 but hasn’t happened yet and then there’s a biting incident, it may be helpful to pause and offer a snack.
6. The child tried ringing your doorbell but you pretended not to be home, and he really wants to ask you whether you’re interested in joining the one true church. Biting was sort of a last-ditch effort to get your attention.
Likelihood: Low, but still higher than the likelihood that a child who engages in biting is a violent, aggressive, or mean person.
We’ve all been there, right?
Suggested strategies:
Hide better.
Accept the VHS tape and/or pamphlet explaining that the apocalypse is nigh, but request that it be slipped through the mail slot, creating a barrier between you and his teeth.
7. The child is missing a primary regulation support.
Likelihood: High, especially when combined with one of the other high-likelihood reasons.
There are things each of us need every day to be our calmest, most regulated, most engaged selves. Those include sleep, hydration, food, and anything that you build into your routine that communicates safety to your nervous system.
For me, iced coffee is a primary regulation support. For little kids, the presence of caregivers with whom they can co-regulate is a primary regulation support. If your child is in the care of someone unfamiliar, or if your child didn’t sleep last night, biting becomes more likely because remaining calm and regulated becomes more difficult, and that can lower access to the strategies we would prefer a child use to meet their needs (like signing “my turn.”)
Suggested strategies:
If you are aware that a child is missing a primary regulation support, lowering the demands is important. You can’t expect a child who hasn’t slept to sit for circle time or put on their shoes as calmly or effectively as that same child after a full night of sleep. It’s okay to recognize the need for extra support and respond to it.
Offer activities that appeal to earlier ways/states of being: sensory activities (handling water or dry rice), snuggling and reading a picture book, or watching marbles or cars run down a track can all be both soothing and stimulating.
If you are aware of what support is missing, you may be able to offer an alternative: an early nap, say; or a calorie-dense snack.
If the child is over-hungry and refusing food, a calorie-dense beverage (chocolate milk, milk shake, etc.) can be a lower-demand option for meeting the need, and helps with hydration, too, which can ease a headache they didn’t even realize they were experiencing. All of that helps regain regulation and lowers the likelihood of biting.
8. He’s sorry. He thought you was corn.
Likelihood: Low, but still higher than the likelihood that a child who engages in biting is a violent, aggressive, or mean person.
Even for me, this reference to the Futurama Hyper-chicken might be a little obscure…
9. The child is seeking (or avoiding) sensory input.
Likelihood: Medium-high; often a bit higher in kids who are biting after the toddler years.
Kids who are seeking sensory input might be doing things like running really fast, jumping, moving their bodies a lot, crashing into furniture on purpose, rubbing their faces against soft surfaces, putting things in their mouths that aren’t food, and standing super close to others when communicating, waiting in line, or playing in a group.
Kids who are avoiding sensory input may show a startle reaction when lights come on or when there’s a sudden loud sound; they may refuse offers to get into a swing on a playground, or request very quickly to get back down; they may be stripping off the clothing they are able to remove on their own (often shoes and socks), and they may resist touch.
Kids can be sensory seeking and sensory avoiding at the same time, because avoiding and seeking sensory input can share some physiological causes, and some types of sensory input can be just right for their nervous system in that moment, while other types of sensory input may be too much.
The specific things kids avoid or seek can change day to day and can also be influenced by the child’s level of stress, tiredness, hunger. etc.
Suggested strategies:
Provide opportunities for sensory input (furniture or play structures that it’s okay to climb, items with different textures, chewy toys that it’s okay to mouth and bite, blankets to wrap up in, heavy-ish objects that it’s okay for the child to lift and move, etc).
Provide opportunities to limit sensory input. Here we might be thinking about the tent mentioned above, or we might be thinking about whether it’s reasonable for the child to have access to a light switch to lower the lighting; we might also be offering to lower the lights, turn music down or off, move from indoors to outdoors so noise has more space to dissipate, etc.
Offering a tight hug, hand or foot squeezes, or face-squishes (a palm on each cheek, gently pressing in) can be calming for kids in both sensory avoiding and sensory seeking moments, but you need to get consent first.
10. The child is a terrible kisser.
Likelihood: Medium
My toddler loves kisses. He also loves blowing raspberries on my face, neck, and arms. And sometimes that kiss-to-raspberry process turns into a chomp.
When he bites me in the process of a kiss, I just give him a gentle reminder that kisses don’t involve teeth, and I ask him to try it again with no teeth, and he does, and we move on.
Honestly, I don’t mind—this clumsy baby affection doesn’t last long, and it has its own weird charm.
Biting is rarely something to panic about.
But approaching with curiosity instead of fear creates opportunities for everyone to learn and grow.
This is the best thing I've ever read.
This is great! Thank you. My daughter is three and she bites A LOT. Lately there have been moments where I have responded by telling her it's mean to bite people. I regret doing that, it's not helpful for her or me. I'm not quite sure what exactly leads her to bite but it's probably a combination of these things. Thanks for the ideas.